FROM MY HEART
It has been a long time since I kept up with blogging weekly, for that I apologize.
I have always tried to hold to this rule, “if I don’t have anything valuable to add, then I hold my tongue.” And I haven’t felt inspired to blog in quite a while; therefore I didn’t toss content out there just for you to suffer through my uninspired thoughts.
Actually, I want to be transparent with you, I have been feeling discouraged for a few months now. It was about mid-March when I began to feel this creeping feeling of mild depression.
I have been learning a lot about myself in the last semester of Welton Academy, as we have been studying personality types, StrengthsFinder, and love languages. On the StrengthsFinder, my highest score was for “Focus.” That was very insightful for me to understand about myself.
I began to see that when March hit, I had completed a lot of large projects that have consumed my focus for a very long time. Without having those items in front of me, it felt like I lost a sense of focus, purpose and direction.
As I have been praying this week, the Lord asked me “what was my driving motivation” and I answered “freedom” (in the past I would have answered “truth,” but I came to understand that truth leads to freedom and it was actually freedom that motivated me the last five years).
He continued to speak and asked, “freedom for what?” (I love that He didn’t say “freedom from what?” which I would have had obvious answers for regarding our old nature.)
I thought for a moment and couldn’t come up with an answer….
He said, “Freedom to love fully.” In all my pursuit of freedom, I hadn’t considered the purpose of freedom. It is not freedom for comfort or selfishness, it is freedom from all the things that disempower love, calling and identity.
Freedom is not the end goal. Love is.
I lost sight of this somewhere.
I had become tired with the debates, the mean online comments, and the endless questions in my email.
Maybe it wasn’t noticeable on the outside, but inside I felt like I had packed up camp, loaded my luggage and was ready to take a long vacation away from other humans.
I didn’t want to feel this way and tried to shake it off many times, but I kept feeling like I was going in a circle: Pop my head up, get involved, be engaged, get my face slapped, step back to reevaluate, and get discouraged from popping my head up again. Then regain a little courage to go around the cycle again. Blah.
As the Lord talked to me about love, He reminded me of a verse that I haven’t thought about in a long time, 2 Corinthians 5:14a “For Christ’s love compels us…”
In other words, if Christ’s love is in the gas tank, the car will function perfectly.
Over the last three months, my heart has been slightly askew, and I haven’t been walking fully in love the way that I want to be walking. As a champion for freedom, I want to not only be free, but to be free to love. To live with an open heart, to have healthy relationships, to embrace the difficulties of life, to embrace those that know how to embrace back, as well as those that don’t.
I am getting back on the love track, yet if I have disappointed, hurt, or caused you injury in the last three months, I ask for your forgiveness and for the opportunity to start fresh. Thank you for your continued prayers and love. So many of you have poured out love and encouragement and it is greatly appreciated.
My personal conviction for the rest of May and the month of June is to spend time reading and meditating on 1 Corinthians 13 daily. It would be lovely to have you join me.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blogs; I love and value each of you.